Friday, 20 February 2009

The Elaborate Wank

As a young boy, I, as many a lad of a similar age, spent a significant amount of time in his bedroom creating what Frankie Boyle labelled a “Masturbation Furnace”.

It’s a necessary part of the young boy’s daily routine, enabling one to keep a grasp on sanity and avoid unwanted erections. Unfortunately, such a hobby is time-consuming, tiresome, and eventually, lacking spice. Your trusty fist simply isn’t enough anymore.

I experimented with the mattress, humping it like some crazed dog, and even giving my teddy a little sugar. This particular conquest was not due to an underlying fetishism, but because my under-developed, 11 year old, perpetually horny brain thought the fur on the teddy closely resembled female pubic hair, of course having none myself at this stage to compare it to. Somewhat ashamed of the proceedings, I made teddy face away.

The experimentation came to a head one afternoon, home alone, where at 12 years old, I was “ill” from school. ‘Titanic’ had been released on VHS that very year, giving me the only piece of full frontal female nudity available in my house at the time. I began to set the mood in my living room.

On my old tape recorder, I recorded the sound of the sex scene in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ (the one where Hugh Grant is trapped in the closet after one of the weddings, and has to silently sneak out of the room), and inserted the tape into my dad’s surround sound hi-fi system. I than fast-forwarded ‘Titanic’ to the point where Leonardo Di Caprio is painting Kate Winslet, and put the video on to pause. If you’ve ever paused a VHS, you’ll understand the lack of picture quality involved in doing this, but I could see boob which was good enough. I then fashioned a woman out of pillows on the floor. (Please note at this point, we lived on a small farm. My dad was the manager of the farm, working that day, and often popped in for a cup of tea. The chances of being caught were probably 1 in 4). With all the props in place, I turned on the hi-fi. The sound of the newly betrothed couple shagging away on ‘Four Weddings’ filled the room. Eagerly, I put ‘Titanic’ on in slow motion, and then humped the hell out of my pillow woman.

For your peace of mind, I was not caught on this occasion. Thank GOD. Imagine being my dad walking in on that shit. Although I have heard him wanking once in the toilet when he thought I wasn’t home, so I suppose it’s swings and round-abouts.

Thursday, 19 February 2009

'DO' from

I can't say I've had a lot of problems with early-80s LA deathrock girls on the jogging path lately, but still, pays to be cautious.

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Wednesday, 18 February 2009

'DON'T' from

Dear Diary, I am so fucking bald right now I feel like I’m going to explode. I feel like the sun is looking down at me and thinking, “Holy shit, is that guy ever bald.”

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René Descartes

"I wank, therefore I am."